As I Know It Still.....
As I Know It Still.....

05 October 2006

OK...I admit it

I'm a slacker. Well, not really, but it sounded like a good excuse.

Yes, it has been quite some time. My life has been non-stop...seemingly more so since the children returned home.

I'm glad they are home. I have mixed feelings about their father lying to them and not calling in over two months, but so be it. Now I am struggling with what options I have in the event he does decide to call. I want to choose the not-so-pretty ones, and I almost feel that I deserve to do so -- for their sake. I will be damned if he thinks he can make an "appearance" around the holidays. The kids are settling in to what is our life. It's been easier without his drama. I'd like to keep it that way., I'm pissed. Why shouldn't I be?

In other news, I'm still expanding. And we are having a boy. This pregnancy hasn't been as nice to me as the other two, but we are inching closer to our goal. There is so much yet to be done, however, my energy fails me most days or time runs short. I have an inability to know when to stop participating in things. All of a sudden, I start to overwhelm myself with this and that -- always with the firm belief that it can be done. It usually just wears me out. Silly me.

Anyhow, the latest challenge is explaining to the 4-year old that it isn't Halloween yet. I shall be crafty today and create a calendar that he can mark off the days. Maybe that will stop the daily debate. It's quite amusing, though.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed that my sister is pregnant. They have been trying for awhile now. I'm excited at the possibility!! I miss my sister though. She should move down here. The winters are better.

I shouldn't even be typing this with the amount of work that has to be finished, but finding the motivation today is proving to be impossible. It's been such a stressful week. For one, stress is not healthy. Second, I've just had enough. Hell, I had enough at 9:30 on Monday morning. It just hasn't been the nicest week.

I'm off.

Posted by Beverly :: 8:34 AM :: 1 Comment(s)

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12 June 2006

Wanted: A Wrecking Ball

There are definitely those days when clarity strikes, but then I feel unsure of myself. I guess that deep down, I know that perhaps I'm not a good person. Sometimes I realize that I am a lot like my father, and that isn't very appealing. No matter where you go, not everyone is going to like you, and maybe his/her reasons aren't without validation. It's funny how you notice everyone else, but you never notice yourself.

And old habits are hard to break. Within my lifetime, I have learned to pretend to feel what I'm not feeling. Through my struggles, I have learned that most times doing it myself is the easiest way to avoid the pain -- the easiest way to pretend that all is well. With the lessons, I have learned that I need to be better.....but I always fall short. Way short. The wall keeps growing.

Like my father, I'm too proud to admit that I'm not perfect -- but failure sucks! Early on people noticed my difficulty with failing at something, even slightly. Even with growth, fully accepting that I was born with defects like each and every one of us is not an easy task. I'm demanding. I'm demanding that it be done my way. Why? Because it's been done my way for over ten years. It was always just me. Then it was me and the kids. You get to doing things a certain way and it's hard to change.

And compromise is unheard of in my head. I try so hard to remember that it's not just me anymore, but that scares me more than anything. What I'm missing is the compromise. I get to feeling like this, and this is what happens next: I forget about me. Let me clarify. Most days I know that the world doesn't revolve around me; that it's okay to rest; that it's okay to have bad days; that life will move on and things will work out. A dear friend of mine drilled into me that I can only give so much of myself -- that no human can run on empty for long. All those years I had tried to run on empty...I never took the time to refuel. I just kept building up that wall.

I learned how to step back. Well, at least for a little while. Somehow, I'd always start feeling that I wasn't giving enough. I never knew how to say no. I'd remind myself that I can be better, misread my own thoughts, and forget about me again. Although it isn't clear, I think that is where I'm at now. I feel like I'm not giving enough because I gave up trying to compromise.

Perhaps I ask too much. It doesn't matter if it is of others or of it too much? I feel like I've done my share, but maybe it wasn't enough. If I do some of theirs, then I'll feel better - right? I'd love to blame all of this on hormones, but I know that isn't the case. It is part of it though. My obsessive and addictive tendencies don't help at all. Obviously, I haven't been keeping those in check lately. Not a good person. Mainly it's insecurities that have engulfed me....add a few more bricks.

I'm pregnant and I'm scared out of my mind. Even though I'm confident that the father of this one won't behave in the same manner as the last, it doesn't take away the fear. I have done the best I can with the other two on my own. I will not have control this time. There is going to be conflict, and I don't handle conflict well. The insecurities are so raging that every time he leaves the house I'm afraid that I won't ever be good enough. I was never good enough for anyone else. I just turned his life upside down. Why should he give a damn about me?

Years and years of struggle have brought me here. The wall is too thick for me to tear through with my own hands. I'm not fairing well in this battle. I want the wall down so that I can start over, dammit. I'm sure over the last six months, I've led you to believe that I fell off my rocker long ago. Perhaps that is true. Maybe I don't care what you think of me. Maybe I do. Maybe none of this makes sense. It doesn't for me. It's hard to express what I'm going through...that has always been difficult for me too. There are a lot of positive things in my life right now, but even those aren't enough to keep me from myself.

Stupid wall.

Posted by Beverly :: 8:11 PM :: 1 Comment(s)

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09 June 2006


Would someone please share in my enthusiasm for World Cup Soccer?! It is very disheartening to feel alone in this bubble.....

Please, I am begging you!!!!!!!!

Posted by Beverly :: 1:55 PM :: 0 Comment(s)

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